Today, I was dealing with some things that hurt my feelings.
I'm a pretty sensitive person, so I have to admit that my feelings get hurt, a lot.
And in thinking about this, I began to remember the past.
And although my past isn't all that glamorous, I'd like to tell you a story about my past today.
A story about bullying.
I've never really written it down, and I'm usually pretty hush-hush about the whole thing.
But I believe that for reasons unknown to me, I'm supposed to share this story with you today.
As a kid growing up in the 90's, I was a fan of the jelly shoes, butterfly hair-clips, and Disney movies. I loved Barbies, My Little Pony, and Saturday morning cartoons. I listened to The Backstreet Boys, had a Lisa Frank notebook, a Nano Pet, and a glitter pen.
I was also a victim of bullying.
And for nearly 10 years, I endured the bullying.
It started, to my memory anyway, in Kindergarten. When the other kids found out my best friend was a boy. He lived up the street from me, and was, in all aspects, my best friend.
However, girls and boys weren't allowed to be friends, come to find out.
And when I got to the doors outside the Kindergarten classrooms, I was suddenly surrounded by kids.
They were laughing, mocking, an becoming increasingly violent towards me.
Then Nick stepped in, and starting throwing punches (To try and save me, he told me- and I want so desperately to believe that, that I tell myself it's true..)
One of his punches found me, hit me square in the face and I fell to the ground, crying in agony.
I don't remember what happened following the attack. I don't even know if I told my parents. I do remember one thing though, I was wearing my 101 Dalmatians backpack.(Strange how our memories work, right?)
It was one thing after another from there. Too many things happened that I can't quite remember, and some things, I'm sure, were so painful that I've blocked them, and I've done a pretty good job of it.
I do know however, that my grades weren't good Elementary School, and into Jr. High.
It wasn't because I was stupid, like the other kids would say, or that I didn't try, like the teachers would say.
It was because I was afraid to go to school.
And I'm a firm believer that NO ONE should be afraid to go to school.
I was afraid to ask questions in class, for fear the teacher or other students would laugh at me.
I was afraid to do my homework, because I knew I'd get the answers wrong and the kids would laugh at me.
Then first grade came.
When my mom dropped me off, I cried. And rightly so.
My teacher Mrs. F, would make me stand on my desk and humiliate me in front of the class. She kept me in from recess for a month to sit in the office because I lost my "reading beads"....It wasn't until an aid walked me home one day, and told my parents, that something was done.
The teacher left the school, and I was moved to a different class.
At that age, I was extremely naive, I was extremely innocent. And I was taken advantage of. One day, a girl told me to "hold up my middle finger" and show it to the classroom.
And I did it, because I wanted to fit in. Because all the kids at my table told me it would be funny. They told me it meant something entirely different from what it actually means...
So, I did it.
The kids laughed, but my teacher didn't. She told me to come sit on the floor next to her desk in front of the class until my mom came. My mom was called. My eyes burned with tears. The kids continued to laugh.
The girl who pulled the "finger joke" on me lived in my neighborhood.
She was in my same church.
On Sunday, sometimes we would even sit by each other and learn about being examples of Christ.
I was in high school when I learned what the one-finger salute meant, and I immediately thought back to my first-grade experience and shuttered.
Elementary school continued.
I was teased for my choice in clothing, my haircut, my house, my height, my weight, my eye color, my hair color, my reading skills, my math skills, my art skills, the way I walked, they way I talked, my handwriting, my backpack, my hair-bows.
Pretty much, you name it, and I was teased for it.
Jr. High started, and I was still teased. I started to believe that I WAS stupid, ugly, all the horrible things the kids would say to me would flood back over me. I would cry every morning before school.
Then, my family moved--and things changed for me.
In High school, I felt safe and loved. I began to change for the better,
and mold myself into the woman I am today.
But it wasn't until I removed myself from the bullies that I was able to move on.
I don't know if the children who teased me even remember it. See, that's the thing. They probably
think we were all buddies together, and got along. But we didn't.
So, to all my former bullies, Thank you. It is because of you that I realized early in life, perhaps maybe a little TOO early, that life isn't fair. Life is hard. Life is dealing with things that are out of our control. Life is about moving on, it's about overcoming challenges, its about being happy even though you have little reason to be.
Thank you, former bullies, you made me tough. You made me realize that I need to be a friend to the friendless, so I am kind to everyone, regardless of their circumstances. I came to find that social standings don't matter. Race doesn't matter. Religion doesn't matter. Shapes and sizes of people don't matter. You did me well to teach me that. Thank you.
Thanks for the rumors you spread, thank you for forcing me to sit on top of the stairs at recess and look out at my house which was just yards away, and wish I was there. From that, I learned its okay to hang out with yourself sometimes, It's okay to be your own friend.
Thank you teachers for just passing me along, and never really taking the time to get to know me.
Thank you, because now I appreciate the value of a GOOD teacher so much more.
Thank you to the kindly old principal, Mr. S, who actually DID care about me. I miss you.
Thanks to the few kinds souls I did know. To McKenzie, who sat by me in the 6th grade when no one else would. Thank you to Breezy who was my childhood pal, many a "Land Before Time" was watched at your house, and I appreciate it. Thank you to Madison, I still remember playing Barbies with you. Thank you to Nicholas, who was only trying to protect me. McKenzie, You taught me about friendship. You stuck by me, even when the others told you not to be friends with me. Breanne and Madison, even though we didn't hang out in school, having somewhere to go and someone to talk with after school, meant the world to me.
Thanks to my parents, to my siblings, to my extended family who were there for me through it all.
I am who I am now, because of where I've been. I learned to forgive and forget. I realized that like it or not, my bullies taught me life lessons. And I am grateful for them.
I survived 10 years of bullying. I'm in no way perfect, but I'm still going. I'm still me. I'd like to be a symbol of hope to all those who are being treated unfairly.
I'm not what my bullies labeled me as. I'm not stupid, ugly, and worthless.
I'm a friend, a sister, a daughter.
I'm Taylor.
I'm who God wants me to be, who I want me to be, and that's the way my life is now.
We all have trials and challenges in this life. May we meet them with the help of others around us, and work towards a bully-free world for all. And if in some small way, this post has impacted you, then I succeeded in what I came to do.
-Taylor
